Your heart is calm. There is no rush or worry. It is like, as if, everything has been already decided. You are balancing on this small chair between death and, well, what seems to be a meaningless biological existence. You don’t ask why, you did more than enough. You don’t try to resolve this, that’s been done before. You don’t try to tell yourself another one of those self-depriving lies that some call excuse. You’ve been over that.
And so it goes. A swift movement and your seconds are counting. One. Two. Three. It doesn’t even hurt. You feel relieved; you know the suffering will end.
And then, your scumbag of a brain decides to get a holiday. With almost automatic, quick move, you release the rope and drop to the ground like a bag of sand.
After some period of fear and loathing you stand up and go to bed. You are too tired.
Sleeping is nice because you’re not actually dead and you’re not awake so it’s a win-win situation
And then comes another day.
Waking up in the morning. Feeling fresh. Getting some coffee and reading the news. You take a shower, brush your teeth and get yourself ready. Looking good – so says the mirror. Dressing into nice cloth and spraying some perfume. Finishing your breakfast and grabbing your bag. It’s a whole new day.
As you exit your apartment, suddenly, a chilly, deathly, frightening feeling sneaks up behind you. You freeze right there, in time and space. You know what it is. You pray every day that it leaves you behind. You turn around. “Well hello there! You think you could go without me? Don’t be silly! – says Depression.
A creeping numbness that insidiously degrades and diminishes every aspect of your conscious life. A storm of screaming and hatred in dreams. A dull apathy in waking. A sinking stomach in the face of joy and a faithless lassitude in the face of hope.
There it is, right in front of you, with that uncanny smile.